It has been a shitty July. Money woes put my websites on ice as well as axed my viewing summer blockbusters. My step-grandfather died, which was the catalyst for real life family drama that I'm not at liberty to discuss. I can share that I'm stressed like a soldier waiting for the grenade to explode. And I was supposed to start rereading Faulkner and have no bloody desire to do that. (In my defense, I'm pleading that I can only deal with one dysfunctional Southern family at a time.)
So what the hell. Tin Man: What Memories Can Bring was finished and I am damn proud of it. I figured forget about the schedules, post it, get some reviews or complaints about the mind games, and at least have the satisfaction that writing is stable right now when nothing else is.
Boyo, I should have smelled this as a bad idea coming. Funeral = family = lapse of judgment and ego defenses. The Tin Man fandom hates me.
I'm not just basing that on a brand-new story with a naked Wyatt Cain only getting two reviews out of twenty hits. I've also seen LiveJournals previously open shut me out once I've started commenting on their stories. I don't think I've said anything to get branded a troll; usually I'm gushing about how much I like it. Maybe pointing out a minor goof-up or type if I noticed it, but never nastily. Yes, I have been cranky about LiveJournals' practices and cranky about being locked out because I don't trust SixApart after the breastfeeding images debacle and how they deleted accounts with the Harry Potter slashfic debacle (users are still not off the hook, but I know I do expect a reasonable timeframe to save my stuff before deletion too). But I never made it personal with anyone, even when I was annoyed with feeling I have something to contribute but I'm locked out of the conversation.
I came to terms with feeling that way, or so I thought. I'd let the fiction take the theories to the fandom. Only now it feels like my fiction is getting shut out of the conversation too. That's just bewildering to me. Good manners means I review or comments on what I read--unless there is no way to say anything nice at all. You review mine and I review yours (though I doubt I got everyone). I've never ran into being ignored before, and keep circling around 'what did I do wrong?' when I know I probably didn't do anything. And it irritates because I have been busting my ass to comment on every chapter of stories I have been reading, when time and energy haven't been available.
What feels even odder is that I feel like I let a fictional character down. This Adora was strong enough to prostitute herself to save her beloved husband, was strong enough to kill herself rather than risk giving away her son under torture, and no one other than me, Suzanna (paper-copy reader), Rissy, and Catyuy gives a shit. She deserves more notice than that, especially with a part that equals 5 minutes of screen time in the miniseries.
This story introduces Miriam, who has a minor role in Pirates. And it combined a whole lot of noodling I lurked and read about, which I probably do need to acknowledge, but I was holding off on editing the bad Author's note at the end until after I get my website back up and can point people to my maps again. *Crossing fingers* Should be on Friday. Though I kind of expected a comment if someone felt I borrowed their idea and used it poorly. :p
It also nails a coffin lid on my desire to continue playing in this sandbox. I will release Pirates, and I will write the sequel to Ninjas and Dragons because it is part of the Zackverse now. Maybe the reactions those get will change my mind. But right now, I don't want to expose the other ideas I have been putting in the story idea box for later (Chelsea vs. the Jeb Cain stalker club, Glitch and Az's courtship, how did Thaddeus get hired, the quest the Seeker sent Betsy on when they first met, a really kinky idea that I don't even feel comfortable summarizing) to this treatment. That's a new feeling too.
Maybe my summary quoting "Diamonds and Rust" that inspired the story, so not to give the twists away needs changing so more people will notice it. So if anyone has a valid promotional change I need to make, I'm willing to hear it. There is probably also a lot of real life shit coloring how I'm viewing this, and keeping me from being able to shrug it off as "people are funny." Just tell me to redirect the paranoia back at the government where it belongs. :)
The object lesson learned: you never get the feedback you are expecting, so don't expect any.
4 comments:
*hugs* I dunno what to tell you, Dear. I wish that there were things I could do or say to make you feel better. I'll try to get a rec-week from Keri over at the Gray Gale, maybe that will get you a bit more traffic.
I hear a lot of complaints that there isn't enough gen-fic/canon-pairing fic floating around. No one ever looks hard enough.
I think what irks me the most is how much damn commenting I have done in this fandom. I've even commented on stuff I don't see or normally support in other fandoms (slashfic is so not my thing), but if it was a good story otherwise, I generally said so. I kind of expected that those I have commented on to return the favor. I don't expect everyone who put on alerts because of "Ninjas and Dragons" to like it because it's not a sequel. I'm not asking them to like it, but tell me that they read it and they never thought of that or I'm twisted or I'm wrong and it was Jeb in the suit. :p
Gen-fic/canon-pairing fic complaints: *Blinks, double-checks story, blinks* So that's what a misfire feels like. Ow.
Recommend away. Do you need me to fill out the LJ-questionnaire? I probably should do that anyway since I think many avoid a story on FF.net without it.
O HAI. Yes, now that you're on the radar I can do a little friendly stalking.
Now, the cynic will tell you that the reason "What memories Can Bring" did not get the number of reviews your previous work did is because it was lacking a very crucial element for FF.net readers: that magic DG/Cain tag. And that's not me being wanky or anything, sadly, it's just what the crowd over there likes.
I'm tempted to do some sort of (public) post about it, because it is fascinating and agonizingly depressing. That'll happen after I read "Memories" though, I have no idea how it snuck past me *sheepish*
I think it really boils down to you should try to review people's work who have reviewed yours if it's a small enough fandom to not kill you in the process. *Sigh*
But it really hit at a low point, and I was hoping to take out some frustration points with an idiot insisting I got it wrong and it was Jeb in the suit. :p Okay, that didn't happen.
And by the time I get to Pirates, I can shoo them to the prequel they missed, but overall feeling is 'gee I have to prove I'm a literate writer all over again.'
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